Here and Now
by EirienFlower
Summary: Challenge response fic, with some mild references to slash. Remus is injured in battle, and thinks that Harry is James. He talks about his guilt, regrets, and finding Sirius again.


Title: Here and Now.

Rating: PG

Warnings: Death, I suppose. And some mild references to slash.

Disclaimer: If the characters were my own, you can bet that I wouldn't be posting here. Nope, I' be off rolling in my millions. Alas, I do not own these characters, and I don't have millions to roll in, so please don't sue me, okay?

Notes: This fic is in response to the challenge:  
_"Remus is struck down in battle and his wounds are too severe to be healed. Harry is at his side, but the professor, blinded by pain and barely alive, mistakes him for James. In his last moments he talks to him about their childhood, his regrets and guilt, and finding Sirius again."_

Feedback: Yes please!

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Here and Now.

Ah. Ah. _Pain _.

"Lupin!" A person at his side. "Oh my God, Lupin, are you alright?" He's got glasses and black hair that's in every direction at once. Is it...can it be...?

"James" he breathes. It is an agony to force out the words. "Is it..._James?_"

James leans back for a moment with a look of confusion in his - Remus must've hit his head when he fell, because he could swear that James' eyes are _green_, when he knows full well that his friend's eyes are _brown_.

"James," he says, and for the first time in sixteen years he can say the name without that bitter tang of death on his tongue.

"Lupin, I-" James' voice is different somehow, but that's Remus' head again. His hearing is muffled and strange; he hears shouts and explosions, but they are far away.

"So, what's the damage? How long've I got?" Remus grins, and even that is painful, but it doesn't matter because he's talking to _James , _who died sixteen years ago.

"Lup- Remus, it's...it's fine. You're going to be fine."

"Am I? Really?"

"Yeah. Ha- have I ever lied to you, Moony?"

"Nooo," Remus chuckles. "No, never lied outright, but you schemed enough, didn't you?"

"I..."

" 'S the matter, Prongs?"

"Nothing, Remus, mate. The Healers are coming. Just lie there for a bit. They won't be long."

"You're awfully quiet, James. You never were quiet."

"I-"

"I expect it's coming back from the dead," Remus says. Very wisely, he thinks. There's a fog all around him, and a steady, constant pulse of pain all over his body. The pain doesn't bother him really, it's no worse than a full moon's transformation, but it drags him down, down, down into that fog. "Dead..."

"Don't think about that, Remus. Just...just lie there, yeah? The Healers won't be long."

"Dead," Remus repeats. The word slurs over his lips, leaden and heavy as the lid of a coffin. "Dead...James!" Remus moves his hand, reaches up to grasp James'. It takes an amount of effort that would be frightening to Remus if he wasn't so utterly engrossed in his thoughts, in this confession. "James! I wanted to tell you...I always wanted to tell you...I'm sorry, James."

"What are you sorry for, Remus?"

"I never - I didn't - _Wormtail ,_ James. It was _Peter _who did it, not Sirius, and I never worked it out until oh, too late, much too late...I let you die, James. You and- and Lily. I'm sorry, James."

"It's history, Remus. Nobody knew until it was too late. It doesn't matter now, does it? I'm...I'm back, aren't I?"

"And Lily?" It wouldn't be fair now, would it, if James came back without Lily?

"Yeah, she's here, Remus. She's just with the Healers. She went to get them. Only a bit more, Remus, and they'll be here and you'll be alright, okay?"

"Dead," Remus says again, rolling the heavy weight of the word around his mouth. "Dead...James!"

"What, Remus?"

"James, Sirius is...I mean he...fell through the veil. He's dead, James. I'm sorry."

"I know, Remus. I know."

"And I never told him, James. I never said it."

"What?"

"_You_ know. You always told me to say it to him, didn't you? You always said that I should tell him, and I never did, not even after he came back and -ah," Remus breaks off, because the pain is _awful _, it's worse than a transformation. "Healers?"

"On their way, Remus. Just a little bit more. What did you want to say to Sirius?"

"You know...I wanted to tell him that I always...that I always - _ah - _I always loved him. So stupid." He grimaces, closes his eyes because he can't see a thing even with them open. It's too dark now. He can't even see James, who is bent over so close to him with tears behind those big stupid glasses. Beyond the fog in his mind there's a dark knot of fear, he thinks he might be _dying _but James mustn't know. James has only just come alive again.

"He knew, Remus."

"What?"

"He knew. He always knew. And he loved you too."

"How do you...?"

"I just know, Remus. Trust me, yeah?"

Remus smiles happily. Sirius knew, and it feels like a kind of weight off Remus' shoulders; all that regret and guilt gone. Even the pain seems to be moving off now, a little way off into the distance, leaving a dark, comfortable layer around him; insulation from the fear. But it doesn't seem so frightening now, this dying. He _is_ dying. He must be.

A long time ago he'd read a book about werewolves, and it said that a werewolf almost always dies in transformation. They get old and so tired, their bodies too worn out for even one more transformation, and then they die. There'd been pictures too, and Remus had had nightmares for years afterwards, waking up paralysed with fear that he was going to end his days like those grotesque half-men. He'd been terrified of dying.

But he wasn't going to die like those poor bastards. He was going to die here, and it was alright actually. James was here, and Sirius _knew_.

"Tell Harry goodbye from me, James? He's a good kid, James, he's the _best_. So brave, just like you and Lily. Just like you," Remus trails off. His tongue seems to stumble even over the simplest of words, awkward and dull. It's alright, though; warm and peaceful, and what was it that Dumbledore had said? _To the well ordered mind, death is but the next great adventure_. Or something like that, anyway. Well, he'd had plenty of adventures in this life. About time for a few more. And maybe he'd see Sirius again, because Sirius was always one for adventures, wasn't he? He smiles.

"Come on Remus, don't - don't be like that. You'll see him again, just a bit longer, Remus. Remus?"

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A/N: Thanks for reading. Any kind of response is much appreciated. 


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